Hair of the dog

28 Nov

CONVERSATION across the newsroom between Big Bernard on the newsdesk and the Assistant Editor concerning a story about a court case brought by the RSPCA against a young couple who own a shih tzu.

Big Bernard: “Can we say the word ‘poo’ in a story?”

Assistant Editor: “In what respect?”

Big Bernard: “This intro says ‘A young couple were banned from having pets yesterday after the hair on their shih tzu dog grew so thick it was unable to poo’.”

Assistant Editor: “Wouldn’t defecate be a better word?”

Big Bernard: “But does the ordinary bloke in the street know what defecate means?”

Assistant Editor: “I think most people do. Poo is a word a child would use, as in ‘Daddy I need a poo poo’.”

Big Bernard: “Yeh but defecate sounds like something you do to coffee and that might just confuse people. They’d be thinking ‘Why is this shih tzu attempting to remove the harmful chemicals from a hot beverage when it shouldn’t be going near a kettle in the first place?’”

Assistant Editor: “Well say ‘the hair on their shih tzu grew so thick that it was unable to go to the toilet.”

Big Bernard: “Dogs don’t go to the toilet. They shite on the floor. At least they do down my street. I’ll tell you this, there’s some fucking great dog logs down my street that are so big that if they washed down the drain they’d block the river. You have to lift your leg right up to step over them.”

Assistant Editor: “Say defecate.”

Meanwhile, beyond the newsroom wall, crowds are fighting in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, the European economy is on the brink of collapse, and Putin has declared he’s standing for president again and going to destroy the US. In the midst of this international gloom, Nitherley Observer and Bugle readers learn about a shih tzu that is unable to defecate. Not poo. Defecate.


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