The kettle cull (Part 3)

15 Dec

IT has come to my notice that there is at least one renegade kettle on the editorial floor. It would gladden my heart to report that this lonesome survivor is the kitchen appliance equivalent of La Pasionaria and is about to rally a counter-offensive – but it was spotted in a management office so it is obviously a collaborator. There again, it could be steaming under duress.

In a bid for more information, the Leek Man sticks his head through the door that leads into the labyrinthine world of Spylt Inc administrative managerial executive supervisors Blondie and Dagwood, points at the perky little kettle and says: “How come that kettle has escaped the purge – the Night of the Long Kettles – when all our kettles have been rounded up and interned? Is this official Spylt Inc policy, the latest corporate strategy? Not only do you make half the staff redundant then bring some back on a lower rate; but you imprison the kettles and break their spirits until you have their full compliance, and exploit and abuse them in isolation, hidden from the watchful eyes of the United Nations or any other regulatory body.”

The glamorous Blondie replies in a throaty whisper: “Oooooh. It’s supposed to be hidden in the cupboard. It’s only used for management meetings. And Dagwood can’t start the day without his milky tea.”

The Pork Chop envisages a kettle-napping and hostage scenario, with demands for the release of the interned kettles. One management kettle for ten editorial kettles. That’s pretty fair. If we were in the occupied territories, we’d be demanding the release of 5,000 kettles for one management kettle.

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