Art of the matter

26 Jan

IT’S afternoon conference and the Leek Man is running through the Press Association list of stories that will appear on the Nitherley Observer and Bugle’s national news pages in Friday’s edition.

Leek Man: “And finally, as they say, the new David Hockney exhibition is causing a bit of a stir among art critics – Brian Sewell slagging it off as overblown, corpulent, garish and raw – so seeing he’s from down the road in Bridlington I thought we’d do a bit on it.”

Blank Frank the website wizard, holding his hands in the air, palms outstretched: “Sorry, sorry. David Hockney? Who’s he please?”

Leek Man: “David Hockney is a famous northern artist.”

Deputy Editor: “David Hockney is probably Britain’s most famous and controversial living artist.”

Blank Frank: “Well I can honestly say I’ve never heard of him.”

Leek Man: “Everybody has heard of David Hockney.”

Moment’s silence.

Leek Man, to the Editor, who is slouching back in his executive’s chair: “Have you heard of David Hockney, Boss?”

Editor: “Er, yes. Why did you ask me before you asked anyone else? Did you assume that because I’m a rough-arsed knob-head from Scunthorpe that I don’t appreciate culture and have no knowledge of the art world?”

Leek Man: “Not at all, Boss. I was merely being polite.”

Blank Frank: “Well I look at it like this. I’m a man of the world, and if I haven’t heard of David Hockney, then is there any point in me uploading this story on the website if I’m representative of the ordinary man in the street? Indeed, is there any point in putting it in the paper in the first place?”

Leek Man: “Well I’ll tell you what. We’ll just fill the newspaper with stuff people already know about, then that way they won’t feel culturally challenged and they can get on with walking their fucking whippets and scrubbing their fucking steps.”

Editor: “Hey. That’s enough. The Hockney stuff can go up on the internet like everything else. And it can go in the paper as a bit of colour. Have you got anything to illustrate it with?”

Leek Man: “We’ve got some file pics on the archive.”

Editor: “Great. Matchstick men. I love his matchstick men. Right. Next story.”

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