Getting your goat

31 Jan

THE Deputy Editor waves his arms in an animated fashion as he hurries through the office. He approaches my desk and positions himself between me and the Leek Man. He is really excited about something.

“Have you seen the black squirrel story in the Daily Mirror?” he asks. “Black squirrels are taking over from the greys, which took over from the reds. It’s a barbaric world out there.”

“They’re not taking over,” says the Leek Man. “The black squirrels are greys with a gene deficiency.”

“And the Daily Mail website has a story about a goat that can surf,” says the Deputy Editor. “Is that a good story, or what? A goat that can surf?”

“No it can’t surf,” says the Leek Man. “What happens is that its owner puts the goat on a surfboard and holds it there while he paddles the board or pushes it through the water.”

“I think you’ll find that the goat can actually surf,” says the Deputy Editor, his enthusiasm undiminished.

“I think you’ll find,” says the Leek Man, “that if you watch the video that accompanies the story the bloke is holding the fucking goat on the fucking surfboard and that at one point the goat falls into the fucking water. Jesus Christ. I could do that with my mate’s pigeons. In fact, pigeons would be better than a goat because they wouldn’t fall into the water, they’d fly off instead. Can a goat fucking fly? No it fucking can’t.”

“I think we should have more stories like that in the Observer and Bugle,” says the Deputy Editor, walking back towards his office.

“Fine,” says the Leek Man. “I’ll drop the real news and fill the pages with goats and black squirrels.”

“Do that,” shouts the Deputy Editor over his shoulder.

“And the Daily Express has a story about a horse that can tap out the complete works of Raymond Chandler in Morse Code with its front hooves – do you want that as well?” shouts the Leek Man.

“Does it?” says the Deputy Editor, stopping and turning. “Yes please.”

“Jesus Christ,” says the Leek Man under his breath. “You couldn’t make it up.”

“I think you just did,” I say.

“I think I just did as well,” says the Leek Man.


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