The bus stops here

14 Feb

NITHERLEY Borough Council has spent £5,000 on installing a bus stop on a road where no bus has ventured for four years – and the residents are fuming. This is the Nitherley Observer and Bugle’s splash for tomorrow and the Leek Man is working on the Front Page. A small group of people has gathered behind him to watch the page come together – and offer advice.

Conversation 1 – Search for a headline:

Editor: “We want something snappy – not your general splash headline. Is there a catchphrase from On The Buses that we could use?”

Tony Malone the Assistant Editor: “You ’orrible little man, Battler.”

Editor: “Thank you. I was thinking more along the lines of ‘Stop this madness’. Gerrit? Stop, as in bus stop? And we could do the word ‘stop’ in red.”

Leek Man: “What about: ‘Bus stop ding-dong’?”

Editor: “Ding-dong! I like that.”

Tony Malone: “But why ding-dong? What has that got to do with buses?”

Leek Man: “Because when you’re on a bus and you want it to stop at a bus stop, you push the button and it goes ding-dong.”

Tony Malone: “No it doesn’t. It goes ding-ding. ‘Bus stop ding-ding’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

Leek Man: “Jesus. Split fucking hairs, why don’t you? ‘Bus stop ding-dong’ is just the ticket. It says it all and it’s witty as well.”

Tony Malone: “It sounds like Leslie Phillips should be involved.”

Editor: “I know. What about: ‘Stop this ding-dong’? The word ‘stop’ would be in red. Or, better still, what about ‘Stop this madness’? Have I said that already?”

Conversation 2 – The headline comes together:

Editor: “Right. This is where we are. We have the words ‘Bust-up’ in big red letters, and below have an underline that says ‘over bus stop’. ‘Bust-up over bus stop’. That’s great. What do you think?”

Leek Man: “I think it would look better if we had an overline instead of an underline. It would have more impact.”

Editor: “Yeh? Go on. Elaborate.”

Leek Man: “Something like: ‘Ding-dong over bus stop ends in . . .’ and then have ‘Bust-up’ in fucking big in-yer-face 124 point caps underneath.”

Editor: “Like it, like it. ‘Ding-dong over bus stop ends in . . . Bust-up’. Great stuff.”

Tony Malone: “But isn’t a ding-dong the same thing as a bust-up? Aren’t we saying the same thing twice?”

Editor: “Yes. It just needs some more work. But we’re on the right road. Unlike the bus stop.”

Leek Man: “What about ‘Bus stop mix-up leads to . . . Bust-up’?”

Editor: “Yesssss . . . Back of the net. That’s it. Go with that. Get it on the page and print me a proof.”

Conversation 3 – Fine tuning:

The Deputy Editor has emerged from his office with a pile of I-Spy books under his arm. The Editor calls him over.

Editor: “What do you think of the Front Page? Get this headline. ‘Bus stop mix-up leads to . . . Bust-up’ What do you think of that?”

Deputy Editor: “Hmmm . . . Do you need a hyphen in Bust-up?”

Editor: “For fuck’s sake. Of course you need a hyphen. Bust-up has a hyphen. It’s the sort of word hyphens were made for. It demands a hyphen.”

Deputy Editor: “Then shouldn’t bus stop have a hyphen as well?”

Editor: “No it fucking shouldn’t. Bus stop is a noun.”

Deputy Editor: “Bust-up is a noun.”

Editor: “Yeh, but bus stop is a different sort of noun, innit? It’s a real noun. One that exists.”

Leek Man: “I’ve got a better idea. Scrap the whole thing and just have two words: ‘BUS STROP’.”

Editor: “Yesssss . . . Another in the back of the net. BUS STROP. Does it have a fucking hyphen?”

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