In a nutshell . . .

18 Feb

NITHERLEY Football Club are in severe financial straits. The Nitherley Observer and Bugle is running a campaign of support. The Editor puts one of his many ideas to conference:

Editor: “I’ve had this great idea to get away from all the financial stuff and add a bit of colour to maintain readers’ interest. We give the club mascot a video camera and do a video diary for the website, and we follow this up with a first-person piece in the paper.”

Big Bernard, the chief reporter: “What, that bloody daft dog?”

Barry the Business Editor: “It’s not a dog, it’s a racoon or something.”

Editor: “Fer fuck’s sake. It’s not a racoon, it’s a fucking squirrel.”

Big Bernard: “It’s not a squirrel, it’s a big brown dog with big pointed ears.”

Editor: “Yeh? And what’s big and brown with pointed ears? It’s Nutkin the Squirrel. It’s official name is Nitherley Nutkin.”

Big Bernard: “So we give Nitherley Nutkin a video camera and it does a video diary, and then it follows it up with a first-person – or first-squirrel – piece for the paper?”

Barry the Business Editor: “Can I just say something before I go back to my desk? If you’re going to approach Nitherley Nutkin you need to talk to the man who wears the costume, not Nitherley Nutkin himself because he’s just a fur and foam suit.”

Moment’s silence.

Editor: “Thank you for that, Barry. Now will you please attend to your duties and fuck off back to your desk?”

Barry the Business Editor: “Will do, boss. No probs.”

Barry leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

Editor: “I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: if ever the job of investigative journalist comes up and I suggest Barry, tell me I’m fucking nuts.”

Big Bernard: “Like a squirrel.”

Editor: “Like a fucking squirrel.”


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